Okay so lately I've been really emotional. I know some of my friends are getting tired of hearing about the same drama and seeing me cry and what not. Well to be completely honest with everyone i don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like no matter what all I wanna do is cry. Its 4 days until I get to see my g/f again and yet I still cry from sadness.

I keep being told that my g/f still isn't being faithful then today I call her and some guy answers the phone saying she is unavailable and cant come to the phone. Well her and her ex g/f are living together again and it just hurts. Right now this is my only way of talking to her because she never calls me back. I called her today crying and we talked for a minute but then it was 'I'll call you back later'....well guess what...I never got a call back. I realize her phone died because when I tried to call, it was this stupid message thingy so thats okay but still, I've been stressed out and worried sick to the point I can't eat anything anymore without feeling the urge to break down and throw everything up.

I know this is getting long but please, read this all, I really need some advice or something from someone.

4 days from now my life is supposed to be perfect once again, everything is supposed to fall back in place, well guess what, I have a feeling it wont be like that. I can't wait to see my g/f again since its been 2 months since the last time I saw her and yet something inside is screaming don't get your hopes up....I'm so scared she isn't going to board the plane...omg then what will I do? Is waiting for her even worth it anymore? Will she come see me and show me she loves me? Does she even love me anymore??

I dont know much of anything anymore and its really starting to bother me. How did I know that coming back here would put me through a new depression...I'm not blaming Washington or anyone that lives here, but for some reason I've found myself back where I was....depressed and hating myself. I dont know what to do to cheer up, I find myself in more pissy moods then happy ones. I've lost a couple people along the way....I've gained a couple people that really know how to make me smile and there are a few people who have stayed with me through everything. To those people I owe the world. To my girlfriend, well I hope you can figure out what you want because i'm not going to wait forever, I can't put my heart through anymore tribulations......

Oh and well my mom called today to tell me that she saw Rob Thomas and got to touch him, yeah that was a blow to the face because all she could say was I love you baby, I miss you so much and I wish you were here. Yeah well where was my fucking mother when I needed her, why couldn't she have just been understanding and let me make mistakes, why did that relationship become shit like all my other relationships. My own mother called me bipolar...no one can understand the pain I felt unless its happened to you. I'm sorry this is so long I'm just venting because I have no one anymore, everyone is so busy with their issues that I just dont go to anyone anymore. Hell I dont even have a girlfriend that I can go to....it just turns out that I irritate her or she gets upset with me...I'm trying so hard not to piss her off because I'd like to see her again...even if its the last time.

One last thing before I go....what do you do when you find youself at a fork in the road where both endings look good but only one will make you happy....however you don't know which one will make you happy??? I've lost almost everything that ever meant anything to me and the one person that really took care of me through dealing with me losing my mother and being a huge fuck up, well I guess I'll find out eventually if I've lost her or not.....